Archive for joy

Memento Mori, Memento Vivere

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on July 31, 2024 by thecrossingchicago

This print is hanging on the wall to the right of my desk. It may seem a little macabre at first glance, but to me it is a reminder to memento mori (remember I will die) and to memento vivere (remember to live).

There are many variations of this painting that Georges de la Tours did from the 1600s. In the painting above, Mary is touching the skull and the skull hides most of the candle. There is a small mirror that only reflects the skull and part of the book that it sits on. In other variations, the flame is on the other side and the viewer can see it clearly. In some versions, the flame is what is being reflected. In others, there is no mirror and the skull rests upon a large open book or two books that are resting on top of a cross that is lying on the desk.

In all of these variations, it is interpreted that the flame represents the spark of the divine, the skull represents the reminder of death – perhaps of both Jesus and of her brother Lazarus – and the mirror represents self reflection. Mary, who is believed to have led a sinful life before meeting Jesus, is penitent, and therefore looking rather morose. There are, of course, numerous interpretations of what de la Tours could have been trying to convey in this painting, but let’s see ourselves in it.

I have this print hanging on my wall because it represents so much more than just Mary Magdalene. Sure, doing an analysis based on her life according to the scriptures would be rather interesting, but I would rather consider what it says to me and what I see rather than how I think Mary is feeling or how Georges is representing her here.

In one sense, I see the family caregiver in this painting. The loved one has died and due to difficult family dynamics, there is complex grief which exacerbates the already present conflict. She is at peace with the death itself, but is reflecting on what it means to her, who she is in the midst of it all, and what the next right step looks like.

The flame glows with her own enlightenment throughout the loved one’s dying process. The intransigence of her siblings or other family members has left her distraught and yet, at the same time, there is a peace that she finds as she reflects on the fragility of life. She is remembering in this moment that we all must die, but that we also have the agency to harness our benisons and live life as we will – hopefully to its fullest.

This image of the family caregiver gives me passion about what I do. Bringing some semblance of hope to the family in the midst of their grief and loss that doesn’t just begin when the loved one dies, but long before. Things done and not done, things said and not said all contribute to the grief that lingers and settles in with its finger-like tendrils like a cold draft on a late autumn night.

But the grief doesn’t have to be foreboding. Yes, within the grief there is fear and sadness and so many other emotions, but there is also joy. It is even the tiniest point of light seeping in through a crack – a crack that at any point could break open leaving the person awash with incomprehensible peace. But even if it is just the smallest bit, that can be enough.

Working with people in these difficult situations is enlightening. It prepares me for my own death or for when I again experience the death of someone I love. Losing someone close to me scares me much more than the prospect of my own death. But that, too, will come in its own good time. I just hope that when it does, I will have learned what the Repentant Magdalene has had to teach me as she holds her penitent pose on my wall. I hope that I will have always memento mori and memento vivere.

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Find Your Joy

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 25, 2024 by thecrossingchicago

I was recently contemplating what services we could add to our senior and veterans in-home care business.  I have had a number of requests for cleaning, so I thought that made enough sense to engage and move forward on.  After all, it was the same clients, referral sources, and workers.  If our caregivers wanted to get extra hours, they could clean.  It all looked good on paper and was logical enough. Perfect!

But was it really?

When I think about marketing cleaning services, there isn’t one modicum of excitement that I can manage to muster up.  For me, I might as well be selling door stops or nose plugs for guinea pigs.  

At this stage in my life as I get ready to turn 45, I have been reflecting on things.  What’s really important?  What would I regret on my deathbed if I didn’t do it in this life?  Am I being fully present?  What brings me joy?

That last question has been particularly prevalent lately.  

In my journey of self growth which includes spiritual practices, sobriety, practicing awareness, and trying to always “be here now,” I have realized that I need to focus on going deeper and not wider.  I have a great propensity to just keep adding things to my life and all they manage to do is add anxiety and weigh me down.

After a period of soul searching, I applied the formula that Frederick Buechner gave us: “The place God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”  

I like to add one more variable to this equation: skill.  So, in sum, our vocation/calling = our current skills x our greatest passion x the world’s deepest immediate need around us.  

When I did the math, I came up with death.  No, I don’t have a desire to disappear into the ether and see what lies beyond the veil of mystery.  I hope I have plenty of time to conjecture about that.  What I mean is, with a background in geriatrics and coaching and a great love for end of life work, it made sense that I would study to be a death/end-of-life doula.  And because I have ADHD and can never just leave things alone, why not throw in mortuary science?  I know, the inner hamster sometimes gets carried away on its little wheel of ideas.

Some of my deepest moments of joy have come from conversations with the dying and their families.  There are so many types of grief that occur before and after death that manifest in different ways.  What about how we want to die and what we want to have done with us when we’re gone?  Cremation, terramation, hydro cremation, green burial, composting, and so on are all options.  How about the funeral or memorial service?  Even before death there are lessons to be learned about advance directives, long term care, hospice and what it really is or isn’t, and so much more.  Heck, what about how we die?  How does a family know when their loved one is actively dying and how do they cope with all of the physiological, spiritual, and psychological changes that happen in this process?

Helping families navigate these things and helping the dying person have a dignified and good death are things that bring me great joy.  

I think it’s important here to note that (in my feeble mind anyway) happiness and joy are not the same thing.  My definition of happiness is something like: happiness is the feeling elicited as a result of how I think about what is being done or has been done to me.  In other words, it’s very subjective.

Joy, on the other hand, is something that exists on its own.  It’s like the muses that speak to us in those moments when creativity is birthed forth from the face of the deep.  It’s the feeling of being at one with all that is.  It is complete peace and utter contentment.  And . . . I don’t think it ever comes from stuff.  We will never find joy in a new car or a shiny new watch.  

The touch of a lover’s hand as they caress the back of your neck just because they adore you elicits joy.  

Standing on top of a mountain and taking in the majestic vista around you elicits joy.  

Joy is being fully present and still with no other place you would rather be.  Or that’s how I experience it anyway.

Hearing the symphony of birdsong in the forest next to a river or lake as the sun glimmers on its surface while you have a complete at-one-ment with anything and everything that is and ever was elicits joy.

So, what brings you joy – complete, soul-lifting, exuberant, titillating joy?  Whatever it is, do it.  There are lots of things that we can do.  There are plenty of skills that we all have and things that we can get by with, but why settle when there are vocations calling us for this time – here and now?

These words from the mystic may help you as you figure out the equation for yourself: “Don’t ask what the world needs.  Ask what makes you come alive and go do it.  Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Go forth and find your joy and emanate the light of joy as you do.

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Slow Time and the Pursuit of Happiness

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 16, 2018 by thecrossingchicago

I had a chat with a friend the other day about happiness.  She asked me about the pursuit and if it really comes to any meaning.  Perhaps it’s just futile and only leads us on a goose chase that leaves us feeling tired and bitter.  It was a great conversation and it gave me a lot of insights as I pondered it.

I once heard an author say that all of his writing comes from a question.  In other words, he doesn’t write because he thinks he’s an expert about something.  Instead, he is processing out loud as he writes.  That’s exactly what I am doing here.  I’m wondering as a wander, so to speak.

In such a conversation, it seems that we have to start with the semantics.  What is happiness?  Is it really something to be “attained”?  In my own definition, happiness is merely the emotional reaction to what we perceive another is doing to or for us.  While I’m probably just being over-analytical, I would venture that what we are really looking for is joy or contentment.  Or better yet – serenity.

If we stick with the word “happy,”  I have my doubts that it is something that can be pursued and caught up with.  It appears to be a futile chase toward something that is ethereal and can never fully be grasped.  Rather, it would be more like Thoreau’s estimation that it is something akin to a butterfly that will come and land on our shoulder if we would just stop and smell the roses.

Regardless of the right term – happiness, joy, contentment – I find myself more and more seeing it as a state of being rather than a condition to be attained.  In all of its elusiveness, we are shooting at a moving target.  It is nearly impossible to hit something that is constantly changing.  As I was considering this idea, it occurred to me: we are also moving.  If both the target and the source are in motion, then how can we expect to ever make contact!?

What I mean is this: when we aren’t centered and mindful, how do we really even know what we want?  How can we ever come to a place that we can be assured is genuine joy?  It is like hoping that two atoms from opposite sides of the world will eventually make contact.  It’s nearly impossible and only guaranteed to leave us worn out and hopeless.

So what would it look like if we did the inner work to truly know ourselves?  How would it be to slow time and actually live in the moment with complete awareness and intentionality?  Not multitasking, not running, not chasing.  Instead – breathing, sitting, being.

I’m talking to myself as much as anyone, but I would be willing to bet that, if we would stop and smell the roses, we would experience a great shift.  Not only would happiness not seem like an elusive ideal, but we would likely realize that, in that moment, we already have all that we need.  For the first time, we will experience joy and contentment.  Finally, we will have what we ask for in the old prayer: courage, wisdom, and the ultimate peace of mind: serenity.

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What They Didn’t Tell You

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 16, 2017 by thecrossingchicago

At the writer’s conference that I mentioned in my last post, we were challenged in one of the individual workshops with writing prompts.  Sometimes the prompts can be downright hokey, but I thought that most of those given at the conference were genuinely thought- and reflection-provoking.  The final prompt that was given to take back with us to our respective homes and writing desks was, “What they don’t tell you about.”  So, I will stick with the theme and see how it goes.

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They.  The pronoun that represents anyone and no one.  I guess “they” are grandparents, parents, the wise elders of society, talking heads, preachers, and gurus.  They tell you that you can get whatever you want as long as you work hard enough for it.  They tell you to never give up.  They tell you that if you get a college education that everything will go smoothly.  They even tell you that there will be some pain in life, but there is nothing that God gives us that we can’t handle. Yeah, they tell you a lot, but there’s plenty that they don’t tell you.

For one thing, they don’t tell you about how unfair life can sometimes be – that life really is like a box of chocolates.  That, although you think you know,  you have no idea what you are biting in to and there’s a good chance that you might crack a tooth on an unexpected almond.  Or that you may put the whole piece in your mouth while in unfamiliar company just to realize it’s coconut when you can’t stand the taste of coconut and it makes you want to puke,  but you can’t spit it out so you swallow it trying to keep the wince imperceptible.

They also don’t mention that regardless of the taste of the filling or the texture of the inside, life is encapsulated in sweetness.  You’ll sometimes draw some that aren’t the most appealing or tasty or even downright disgusting, but there is still some deliciousness even in that single bite and if you only focus on it, the experience can still be enjoyable.

Another thing they don’t tell you is that order of things is really just a fabrication to make ourselves feel better.  Babies will die before their mothers and grandparents will live to see their grandchildren perish.  The true order is that there is none.  We are made to believe that as long as we treat people nicely, we will live long lives and never experience the pain of loss.  But we all know that this is a fairy tale.

The flip side to this is another thing that they don’t teach you – that there is healing on the other side.  That things will somehow be ok despite the fact that they never will be.  There’s nothing anyone can say to make it better and you will hear many utterances that will make matters worse instead of better, even though the one saying them means well.  You will even be guilty of making such comments yourself.  You will learn, though, that there is such a thing as “holding space” and that the mere compassionate presence of another will do wonders to help you see that indeed God is with you though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death.  They don’t tell you that, as painful as it may be, you will sometimes be situated at the right place and time to be that compassionate presence for another.

They tell you that you can be and do anything you want to in life as long as you work hard.  If you go to school and get a good education, then the world is your oyster and nothing can stop you.  They tell you that you can make as much money as you want and have any job that you want as long as you keep your nose to the grindstone and go to the right schools.

What they don’t tell you is that your grade A education can never be a substitute for passion.  They don’t mention that you can get that great job and then be laid off in a flash of restructuring.  They forget to teach you that all of your book studies will never prepare you for the realities of life and that compassion and mindfulness will always supersede knowledge.  They also forgot to impart to you that money isn’t and never will be everything and that you can become a prisoner in a cell of your own construction.

Even with all of this, they don’t tell you that there is such a thing as joy.  Being caught up in the “important things,” they forget to mention the euphoria that comes from feeding a hungry child or the feeling of wet sand between your toes as you walk barefoot at the beach or the sound of rain on leaves and freshly bloomed flowers.  They overlook sharing that there are sacred spaces and music that stirs the soul and good wine.  They didn’t deem it worthwhile to mention that the sound of laughter can move you more than any pithy quote and that there is more peace to be found in a single breath than in all the sacred texts ever written.

They forgot to teach you a lot.  But despite that, you have learned.  Life taught you what they couldn’t and you have been a good student because at some point you realized that the key to understanding wasn’t how much you studied or where you went to school, but how well you listened and how aware you were about how things really are.  Well done good and faithful student.  And let’s not blame them.  Maybe they never did learn or maybe they forgot or perhaps they were just too afraid to let go of the way they think things ought to be.  You have done and occasionally still do that.  So do I.

 

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