Archive for self care

Find Your Joy

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 25, 2024 by thecrossingchicago

I was recently contemplating what services we could add to our senior and veterans in-home care business.  I have had a number of requests for cleaning, so I thought that made enough sense to engage and move forward on.  After all, it was the same clients, referral sources, and workers.  If our caregivers wanted to get extra hours, they could clean.  It all looked good on paper and was logical enough. Perfect!

But was it really?

When I think about marketing cleaning services, there isn’t one modicum of excitement that I can manage to muster up.  For me, I might as well be selling door stops or nose plugs for guinea pigs.  

At this stage in my life as I get ready to turn 45, I have been reflecting on things.  What’s really important?  What would I regret on my deathbed if I didn’t do it in this life?  Am I being fully present?  What brings me joy?

That last question has been particularly prevalent lately.  

In my journey of self growth which includes spiritual practices, sobriety, practicing awareness, and trying to always “be here now,” I have realized that I need to focus on going deeper and not wider.  I have a great propensity to just keep adding things to my life and all they manage to do is add anxiety and weigh me down.

After a period of soul searching, I applied the formula that Frederick Buechner gave us: “The place God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”  

I like to add one more variable to this equation: skill.  So, in sum, our vocation/calling = our current skills x our greatest passion x the world’s deepest immediate need around us.  

When I did the math, I came up with death.  No, I don’t have a desire to disappear into the ether and see what lies beyond the veil of mystery.  I hope I have plenty of time to conjecture about that.  What I mean is, with a background in geriatrics and coaching and a great love for end of life work, it made sense that I would study to be a death/end-of-life doula.  And because I have ADHD and can never just leave things alone, why not throw in mortuary science?  I know, the inner hamster sometimes gets carried away on its little wheel of ideas.

Some of my deepest moments of joy have come from conversations with the dying and their families.  There are so many types of grief that occur before and after death that manifest in different ways.  What about how we want to die and what we want to have done with us when we’re gone?  Cremation, terramation, hydro cremation, green burial, composting, and so on are all options.  How about the funeral or memorial service?  Even before death there are lessons to be learned about advance directives, long term care, hospice and what it really is or isn’t, and so much more.  Heck, what about how we die?  How does a family know when their loved one is actively dying and how do they cope with all of the physiological, spiritual, and psychological changes that happen in this process?

Helping families navigate these things and helping the dying person have a dignified and good death are things that bring me great joy.  

I think it’s important here to note that (in my feeble mind anyway) happiness and joy are not the same thing.  My definition of happiness is something like: happiness is the feeling elicited as a result of how I think about what is being done or has been done to me.  In other words, it’s very subjective.

Joy, on the other hand, is something that exists on its own.  It’s like the muses that speak to us in those moments when creativity is birthed forth from the face of the deep.  It’s the feeling of being at one with all that is.  It is complete peace and utter contentment.  And . . . I don’t think it ever comes from stuff.  We will never find joy in a new car or a shiny new watch.  

The touch of a lover’s hand as they caress the back of your neck just because they adore you elicits joy.  

Standing on top of a mountain and taking in the majestic vista around you elicits joy.  

Joy is being fully present and still with no other place you would rather be.  Or that’s how I experience it anyway.

Hearing the symphony of birdsong in the forest next to a river or lake as the sun glimmers on its surface while you have a complete at-one-ment with anything and everything that is and ever was elicits joy.

So, what brings you joy – complete, soul-lifting, exuberant, titillating joy?  Whatever it is, do it.  There are lots of things that we can do.  There are plenty of skills that we all have and things that we can get by with, but why settle when there are vocations calling us for this time – here and now?

These words from the mystic may help you as you figure out the equation for yourself: “Don’t ask what the world needs.  Ask what makes you come alive and go do it.  Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Go forth and find your joy and emanate the light of joy as you do.

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Slow Time and the Pursuit of Happiness

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 16, 2018 by thecrossingchicago

I had a chat with a friend the other day about happiness.  She asked me about the pursuit and if it really comes to any meaning.  Perhaps it’s just futile and only leads us on a goose chase that leaves us feeling tired and bitter.  It was a great conversation and it gave me a lot of insights as I pondered it.

I once heard an author say that all of his writing comes from a question.  In other words, he doesn’t write because he thinks he’s an expert about something.  Instead, he is processing out loud as he writes.  That’s exactly what I am doing here.  I’m wondering as a wander, so to speak.

In such a conversation, it seems that we have to start with the semantics.  What is happiness?  Is it really something to be “attained”?  In my own definition, happiness is merely the emotional reaction to what we perceive another is doing to or for us.  While I’m probably just being over-analytical, I would venture that what we are really looking for is joy or contentment.  Or better yet – serenity.

If we stick with the word “happy,”  I have my doubts that it is something that can be pursued and caught up with.  It appears to be a futile chase toward something that is ethereal and can never fully be grasped.  Rather, it would be more like Thoreau’s estimation that it is something akin to a butterfly that will come and land on our shoulder if we would just stop and smell the roses.

Regardless of the right term – happiness, joy, contentment – I find myself more and more seeing it as a state of being rather than a condition to be attained.  In all of its elusiveness, we are shooting at a moving target.  It is nearly impossible to hit something that is constantly changing.  As I was considering this idea, it occurred to me: we are also moving.  If both the target and the source are in motion, then how can we expect to ever make contact!?

What I mean is this: when we aren’t centered and mindful, how do we really even know what we want?  How can we ever come to a place that we can be assured is genuine joy?  It is like hoping that two atoms from opposite sides of the world will eventually make contact.  It’s nearly impossible and only guaranteed to leave us worn out and hopeless.

So what would it look like if we did the inner work to truly know ourselves?  How would it be to slow time and actually live in the moment with complete awareness and intentionality?  Not multitasking, not running, not chasing.  Instead – breathing, sitting, being.

I’m talking to myself as much as anyone, but I would be willing to bet that, if we would stop and smell the roses, we would experience a great shift.  Not only would happiness not seem like an elusive ideal, but we would likely realize that, in that moment, we already have all that we need.  For the first time, we will experience joy and contentment.  Finally, we will have what we ask for in the old prayer: courage, wisdom, and the ultimate peace of mind: serenity.

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Thirst

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 8, 2018 by thecrossingchicago
I took a self care day today.  I knew that I needed it, but I had no idea how much.  It was nothing too crazy – I didn’t go to the spa or try to find a guru on a Tibetan mountain.  I kept it simple, but it was just what my soul was longing for.
I started the day with a coaching session with my coach.  I walked away feeling refreshed and reenergized with renewed focus and centering.  I then went up to my study and meditated.  I always love the way I feel after meditating, but lately I have been out of the habit.  Next, I did some journaling with an exercise that my coach gave me and gained some great insights into myself and what my True Self really needs.  Finally, I walked a couple miles to my gym, had a good workout, walked back, and did a little writing.
When I began the day, I committed it to being a day of self care.  I realized that, although I just came back from vacation, there was some inner work that needed to be done.  What I didn’t expect, though, was how much less burdened I would feel afterward.  I felt an existential weight lifted off of my chest and, for the first time in a while, had a clarity around what my next life steps need to be.
As I was sitting on the bench between sets of bench pressing, something occurred to me – we wait until we feel like we need self care before we do it.  It reminded me of being thirsty.  We typically wait to drink water until we are thirsty, but by then we are already dehydrated.  And so it is with inner work, spiritual disciplines, and self care.  If we wait until we feel like we need them, we are already well on our way toward burnout.
Instead, what would it look like if we committed to doing spiritual practices every day?  Meditation, journaling, walking meditation, just being outside and breathing – all of these things are a simple way to stay ahead of the wrecking ball.
When we are well rested, centered, and mindful, we are much more productive, much more objective, and much more truly ourselves.  Don’t wait until you feel like you need it.  Don’t wait until burnout is already lurking around the corner.  Live intentionally and make self care a part of your rhythm of daily living.

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