The sound washes over me in waves; undulating, matching the vibration of my own energy until each cell and the bowl are singing in unison.
“What is your intention? What do you need to let go of?” The meditation guide asks. This seems to be a recurring theme as of late.
And so as I lie there with eyes closed, body humming, I jump and allow myself to fall. I fall through layer and layer of clouds trusting that something or someone will catch me eventually. But then I realize, I don’t need to be caught. Falling is a safe form of letting go; maybe I’m even falling upward.
As the clouds turn dark and storms form within them, the thunder roars around me filling my ears with ominous sounds until I allow myself to become bigger than the storm and then smaller than the electrons that fuel the lightning.
I’m becoming myself, my intention while the drum beats steadily and the singing bowls peel away layer after layer of things I don’t need. The hand that I grasp is my hand and all difference ceases to exist as we are one. Interconnectedness is manifest there while energy flutters in ebbs and flows like a phoenix flapping her mighty, yet delicate wings.
We are intertwined as the spider makes her way down the web above me. Then she goes back up and I can almost hear her laughter as she does. Why do these spiders seem to follow me?
“Why indeed?” She asks. “You have feared and loathed that which is you: your own spirit animal. Creative. Beautiful in its own way. In touch with the universe. Do you see now?”
“Yes, I do,” I reply as I watch her make her way even more directly above my head. She seems to be showing me my own true self; telling me it’s finally time to go home. Or better yet, showing me that I’m already there. All realities made present as I lie there intertwined looking up.
When I am gone, the spider is gone, too.
I drive while I long for just a glimpse of the mountains. Making my way west I sing to Les Miserables at the top of my lungs. A concert for an audience of one.
When I come to the end of the Finale, I cry; loud and hard and quick. Not knowing exactly what I’m letting go of in that moment, but feeling it leave me. Then it’s over. And that’s ok, because sometimes that’s what falling looks like on the outside.
Apophatica 